It's been a couple weeks since the news of Junior being slaughtered in the Bronx and I still have many thoughts about it. As I was walking home today after my shift at work, I kept getting the image of someone (even at one point visualizing myself) getting attacked by a group of people for no reason. And there were moments when I would think about how the mother feels in that situation. As I am a mother to two kids - one is a 7 year old boy and the other is a 1 year old girl. I can't fathom to think of that emotion of seeing your kid(s) pass away in front of you...or let alone be slaughtered like that.
I don't know. It sickens me how this world is. It's full of hatred and violence. But, in all honesty...at times, I feel myself going into that dark place in my mind where I tend to hate or to just strongly dislike certain people. And I also hate myself for feeling this way sometimes. I think at times, I just don't want to deal with emotions or attachments. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes...I feel like it's better to just not get too attached to someone.
I tend to focus on flaws a lot. And not just in other people...but mostly on myself. I don't know what it is...or what caused it to make me think a certain way. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing much and other times, I feel like I'm doing too much at a time. Most of the time, I see myself in the mirror and see a different person looking back at me. And sometimes, I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel like the most beautiful person in the world. And then, there are other times when I feel like I'm just a creature that came out of the lagoon. I don't know where my mind is wandering right now...but seeing as I can't sleep yet, I might just keep writing.
It's been a little bit since my last blog...and well, first things first. There have been some changes in my career that I feel happy about...and others, I feel upset about. Like today. I felt all alone. I felt like an outcast. I felt like I did way more work than other people. I'm going to be honest about it. It felt like I was just good to fill in the space...to fill in that empty space to make sure everything was okay. It was not a good feeling. I felt used and felt a bit pathetic, to be honest. But, I know I shouldn't feel that way because I was doing my job. I was working. I didn't stay in one spot and not do anything. I actually was there. And people may see this post and say what a bitch I am for saying that, but oh well. This is my space and this is my thoughts. My thoughts are safe here and they can't say anything about it. I'm allowed to feel this way and be able to express myself this way.
I shouldn't be afraid. I won't be afraid.
Anyways, enough of that. I tend to ramble a little bit and whatnot. Okay, other than that. I have been trying to stay active, here and there, and jumping rope and using the kettle bell for some squat exercise and such. I have some great people in my life that are very motivating. But, is it normal for me to not want to be too close or anything of that sort? I need this positivity in my life. But, like I said before, I think I just don't want to waste my energy on wasting my time...because what if this just all fucks me over? What if it's all just in the moment and I get pretty much fucked over? Or what if I spend too much time and energy in making things happen, when in the future...it just blows up in my face? I know I may not be making sense...but sometimes, that's just who I am.
Anyways, it's time to get some shut eye. I've got work in a few hours.
Monday, July 9, 2018
Thursday, June 28, 2018
#5 - Feeling Good
So, it's been about 3-4 hours since we got home from the 12th Annual Shortstack Modeling Agency Fashion Show...and I'm going to just put it out there...I'm feeling good. Performing at another Windows of Opportunity, Inc. event and being a part of something big such as the Shortstack Modeling Agency which focuses on empowering young females into being the best they can be...I'm feeling good. And yes, it's about that time again...it's almost 3am and I'm still not asleep. Maybe it's because of the way I feel, or the coffee my husband made for me.
I'm feeling amazing. Tonight was such a great turn out for the event. I felt great after singing my songs for the night. Although I did second guess myself and doubt myself at certain moments of the songs, I'm proud on getting back up there once again. It's been so long since I've gotten into the habit of performing and singing in front of an audience. And people ask me why. I guess in all honesty, music makes me feel great and at the same time, it depresses me. Maybe it's due to the fact that the music industry is very picky and I'm feeling like at the age I'm at, it may be too late. And yes, I hear you guys already telling me, "Mary, it's never too late." And okay...I'm going to have to admit, that this month...I've been feeling good about music. Maybe it's because of the show my husband and I performed at our old stomping grounds...or moments such as tonight at the fashion show where people said I sounded good. Mind you, I may not be the best...and I don't claim to be. But, I try. Even with all this adulting and working full time and being a mom of two. It's hard, guys.
But never mind that. I'm rambling on as usual at this hour. Everyone's asleep in the house and here I am, looking through the videos my husband took of me during my performances tonight. And also trying to edit the photos, since I can't sleep. My thoughts around this time of night...early morning...are all over the place. I'm thinking of so many positive things. I want to do a lot and I want to keep this momentum going. Maybe I'll go and write a song or even try to finish a song that I wrote years ago. I don't know. But, all I know is that I'm feeling good. Expect to hear more from me. Love you all and have a great night's rest!
I'm feeling amazing. Tonight was such a great turn out for the event. I felt great after singing my songs for the night. Although I did second guess myself and doubt myself at certain moments of the songs, I'm proud on getting back up there once again. It's been so long since I've gotten into the habit of performing and singing in front of an audience. And people ask me why. I guess in all honesty, music makes me feel great and at the same time, it depresses me. Maybe it's due to the fact that the music industry is very picky and I'm feeling like at the age I'm at, it may be too late. And yes, I hear you guys already telling me, "Mary, it's never too late." And okay...I'm going to have to admit, that this month...I've been feeling good about music. Maybe it's because of the show my husband and I performed at our old stomping grounds...or moments such as tonight at the fashion show where people said I sounded good. Mind you, I may not be the best...and I don't claim to be. But, I try. Even with all this adulting and working full time and being a mom of two. It's hard, guys.
But never mind that. I'm rambling on as usual at this hour. Everyone's asleep in the house and here I am, looking through the videos my husband took of me during my performances tonight. And also trying to edit the photos, since I can't sleep. My thoughts around this time of night...early morning...are all over the place. I'm thinking of so many positive things. I want to do a lot and I want to keep this momentum going. Maybe I'll go and write a song or even try to finish a song that I wrote years ago. I don't know. But, all I know is that I'm feeling good. Expect to hear more from me. Love you all and have a great night's rest!
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
#4 - Almost A Year
Wow. It's been exactly almost a whole year since my last post. And that post was about me moving up in the company I work for. Well...I did it. I moved up.
....
Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss.
I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all.
Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.
A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot.
Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain".
....
Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss.
I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all.
Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.
A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot.
Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain".
"Come sit with me
And listen to this brokenhearted melody
As time stands still
I begin to feel
The ending of what I hoped to be
Something real"
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
#3 - Thoughts About My Career
Growing up, I had no idea what type of career I wanted to have. Well....I DID want to be a Disney Channel kid and do movies and perform music and whatnot...but, that dream was so highly unlikely for me back then. Not that it was impossible, but it was just not in my path. Anyways, I never expected my life to turn out the way it has turned out now. I mean, all I cared about was school, making friends and trying to keep them and crushes. I mean, that's all we really worried about when we were younger, right? We had no responsibilities or obligations to anything. I mean, the most we had to worry about was trying to be home on time without having your parents/guardians grounding you for getting home late. Man...how I wish I could go back to the days when that was ALL we really cared about.
But, we had to grow up eventually. So, here I stand...working at the moment. Well, technically, I guess I'm not really working if I'm typing out this blog...but, my job is fairly easy in the morning and it's not putting any hindrance on my work ethics. I STILL do my job...and it's actually pretty fun basically waking up to darkness and knowing people are asleep at the hour I get to work. That sounded a little too dark, but it's true. I used to work late evenings as a waitress/bartender...and that scene got tired pretty quickly. I mean, mind you...I DID enjoy coming home with a wad of cash every night I worked and making these awesome drinks and being a part-time "therapist" during my bar tending days. But, this whole waking up super early while it's still dark, and getting out at midday, is pretty freakin' awesome!
Anyways, about my career...let's get on with that topic.
I recently restarted my YouTube channel and claiming my presence on the social media world. It has been quite a positive turnout, by the way. I mean...in the past 2 months and a half, I gained 127 subscribers on my YouTube channel and it's continuing to grow at a great pace. I am so excited for where I'm going to be at on the social media network come next year. So many great things to look forward to!
Although it would be GREAT to have YouTube as a full time career...there are certain things I have my eyes on. First off, like I mentioned...my husband and I eventually want to open up our own food business outside of NY. But, right now...I am aiming to move on up with the company I'm currently working with. I've stated this with someone in a higher position and they seemed content with my wanting to move on up. I mean, I work hard. And I want to have a stable job where I can make good money to provide for my family, and be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard living out here, raising two young children, and barely making rent in a very expensive state. My goal is to work harder and to learn more things about the company and learn different tactics and move up. Eventually, I will get there. Although it may take some time...I feel that it is high possible for me to move on up with a company and FINALLY stay with one career instead of bouncing around from one industry to another like a tennis ball. Hopefully, I'll get there soon and finally get everything I've ever wanted in my life before I turn 30. Soon...
But, we had to grow up eventually. So, here I stand...working at the moment. Well, technically, I guess I'm not really working if I'm typing out this blog...but, my job is fairly easy in the morning and it's not putting any hindrance on my work ethics. I STILL do my job...and it's actually pretty fun basically waking up to darkness and knowing people are asleep at the hour I get to work. That sounded a little too dark, but it's true. I used to work late evenings as a waitress/bartender...and that scene got tired pretty quickly. I mean, mind you...I DID enjoy coming home with a wad of cash every night I worked and making these awesome drinks and being a part-time "therapist" during my bar tending days. But, this whole waking up super early while it's still dark, and getting out at midday, is pretty freakin' awesome!
Anyways, about my career...let's get on with that topic.
I recently restarted my YouTube channel and claiming my presence on the social media world. It has been quite a positive turnout, by the way. I mean...in the past 2 months and a half, I gained 127 subscribers on my YouTube channel and it's continuing to grow at a great pace. I am so excited for where I'm going to be at on the social media network come next year. So many great things to look forward to!
Although it would be GREAT to have YouTube as a full time career...there are certain things I have my eyes on. First off, like I mentioned...my husband and I eventually want to open up our own food business outside of NY. But, right now...I am aiming to move on up with the company I'm currently working with. I've stated this with someone in a higher position and they seemed content with my wanting to move on up. I mean, I work hard. And I want to have a stable job where I can make good money to provide for my family, and be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard living out here, raising two young children, and barely making rent in a very expensive state. My goal is to work harder and to learn more things about the company and learn different tactics and move up. Eventually, I will get there. Although it may take some time...I feel that it is high possible for me to move on up with a company and FINALLY stay with one career instead of bouncing around from one industry to another like a tennis ball. Hopefully, I'll get there soon and finally get everything I've ever wanted in my life before I turn 30. Soon...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)