#25 - Feeling Terrified...

From the beginning of time, people have told each other to be strong...to never give up. But man, it isn't easy to be strong all the time. People always said to me that I am a strong woman and that they wish they can be the same. But well, truth be told, I am afraid. Do you ever get that feeling that you're afraid to make that step forward? That you're terrified on what your decision in life will lead to? What road and what future? Well...I am. I am so terrified what is beyond the next chapter of my life. There are so many things happening in my life right now, that I can't help but worry and not get a chance to turn off my brain and tell it to STOP THINKING TOO MUCH. 

There was another point in my life where I was also very much afraid and lost and just all over the place. It was the moment when I found out that I was pregnant. I was 19 then and I was having fun and drinking and smoking...etc. I was "living the life", so to speak. But then, when I found the news, everything seemed to slow down into a halt. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. But, luckily...I had someone there to help me cope with it. It was a very hard decision in my life. And when my family found out...most of them were very frustrated on how "irresponsible" I was and I was getting kicked out. And some of them, were surprisingly supportive of the idea of me having a baby. That was a very comforting feeling and I wanted to just stay in that state. But, now...I had to choose between a life of someone who was going to be a mother to a baby or to live with the fact that I "could've" been a mother. It was very hard, considering I was still young and wanted a lot more to do with my life. But, there was a moment in time, when I realized that I COULDN'T give up a life that I will eventually have in the future. I didn't want any regrets. I didn't want to live a life not knowing. So, I decided to have my baby. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. He is now 2 years old and even though times have been hard (and will get even more difficult in time), I am happy and proud to be a mother. Yes, there are times I wonder how my life would've been if I hadn't had my son. But, that is all in the past and I must keep looking forward in order to go on. And to be honest, my future is my son. 

Now, I am back to that point in my life where I am lost and scared. I really just need to be strong and rip it off quick, like a bandage. But, I am terrified that I may not be as strong as I hope to be. There are a lot of things going on in my life, like I said. And I definitely need guidance and to find myself again. As of now, thoughts are swimming around in my head and my mind won't shut off. I just want to be at peace. But it seems like there's a lot of war going on in my life that won't allow me to have it. But, one day, I hope to be at that state where I am just purely happy, with no worries in the world. One day.

Much love,

MD