So, it's been about 3-4 hours since we got home from the 12th Annual Shortstack Modeling Agency Fashion Show...and I'm going to just put it out there...I'm feeling good. Performing at another Windows of Opportunity, Inc. event and being a part of something big such as the Shortstack Modeling Agency which focuses on empowering young females into being the best they can be...I'm feeling good. And yes, it's about that time again...it's almost 3am and I'm still not asleep. Maybe it's because of the way I feel, or the coffee my husband made for me.
I'm feeling amazing. Tonight was such a great turn out for the event. I felt great after singing my songs for the night. Although I did second guess myself and doubt myself at certain moments of the songs, I'm proud on getting back up there once again. It's been so long since I've gotten into the habit of performing and singing in front of an audience. And people ask me why. I guess in all honesty, music makes me feel great and at the same time, it depresses me. Maybe it's due to the fact that the music industry is very picky and I'm feeling like at the age I'm at, it may be too late. And yes, I hear you guys already telling me, "Mary, it's never too late." And okay...I'm going to have to admit, that this month...I've been feeling good about music. Maybe it's because of the show my husband and I performed at our old stomping grounds...or moments such as tonight at the fashion show where people said I sounded good. Mind you, I may not be the best...and I don't claim to be. But, I try. Even with all this adulting and working full time and being a mom of two. It's hard, guys.
But never mind that. I'm rambling on as usual at this hour. Everyone's asleep in the house and here I am, looking through the videos my husband took of me during my performances tonight. And also trying to edit the photos, since I can't sleep. My thoughts around this time of night...early morning...are all over the place. I'm thinking of so many positive things. I want to do a lot and I want to keep this momentum going. Maybe I'll go and write a song or even try to finish a song that I wrote years ago. I don't know. But, all I know is that I'm feeling good. Expect to hear more from me. Love you all and have a great night's rest!
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
#4 - Almost A Year
Wow. It's been exactly almost a whole year since my last post. And that post was about me moving up in the company I work for. Well...I did it. I moved up.
....
Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss.
I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all.
Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.
A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot.
Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain".
....
Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss.
I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all.
Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.
A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot.
Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain".
"Come sit with me
And listen to this brokenhearted melody
As time stands still
I begin to feel
The ending of what I hoped to be
Something real"
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