It's been a couple weeks since the news of Junior being slaughtered in the Bronx and I still have many thoughts about it. As I was walking home today after my shift at work, I kept getting the image of someone (even at one point visualizing myself) getting attacked by a group of people for no reason. And there were moments when I would think about how the mother feels in that situation. As I am a mother to two kids - one is a 7 year old boy and the other is a 1 year old girl. I can't fathom to think of that emotion of seeing your kid(s) pass away in front of you...or let alone be slaughtered like that.
I don't know. It sickens me how this world is. It's full of hatred and violence. But, in all honesty...at times, I feel myself going into that dark place in my mind where I tend to hate or to just strongly dislike certain people. And I also hate myself for feeling this way sometimes. I think at times, I just don't want to deal with emotions or attachments. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes...I feel like it's better to just not get too attached to someone.
I tend to focus on flaws a lot. And not just in other people...but mostly on myself. I don't know what it is...or what caused it to make me think a certain way. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing much and other times, I feel like I'm doing too much at a time. Most of the time, I see myself in the mirror and see a different person looking back at me. And sometimes, I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel like the most beautiful person in the world. And then, there are other times when I feel like I'm just a creature that came out of the lagoon. I don't know where my mind is wandering right now...but seeing as I can't sleep yet, I might just keep writing.
It's been a little bit since my last blog...and well, first things first. There have been some changes in my career that I feel happy about...and others, I feel upset about. Like today. I felt all alone. I felt like an outcast. I felt like I did way more work than other people. I'm going to be honest about it. It felt like I was just good to fill in the space...to fill in that empty space to make sure everything was okay. It was not a good feeling. I felt used and felt a bit pathetic, to be honest. But, I know I shouldn't feel that way because I was doing my job. I was working. I didn't stay in one spot and not do anything. I actually was there. And people may see this post and say what a bitch I am for saying that, but oh well. This is my space and this is my thoughts. My thoughts are safe here and they can't say anything about it. I'm allowed to feel this way and be able to express myself this way.
I shouldn't be afraid. I won't be afraid.
Anyways, enough of that. I tend to ramble a little bit and whatnot. Okay, other than that. I have been trying to stay active, here and there, and jumping rope and using the kettle bell for some squat exercise and such. I have some great people in my life that are very motivating. But, is it normal for me to not want to be too close or anything of that sort? I need this positivity in my life. But, like I said before, I think I just don't want to waste my energy on wasting my time...because what if this just all fucks me over? What if it's all just in the moment and I get pretty much fucked over? Or what if I spend too much time and energy in making things happen, when in the future...it just blows up in my face? I know I may not be making sense...but sometimes, that's just who I am.
Anyways, it's time to get some shut eye. I've got work in a few hours.
