#29 - Changes

Changes happen every so often in a person's life...whether or not they want it. In this case, I needed it. You know, I always said that history tends to repeat itself. I mean, look at all these fashion trends coming back from the grave as if it has all been zombified in some way. Eh, pay no attention to my babbling. This is what happens inside my head most of the time. And mind you...I have not done much writing in a while and it has finally come to light that my mind has not been at rest (or at the stage of trying to relax), until now. Anyways, back to what I was talking about. 

Change. Change is good. Although it may disguise itself as something horrific that you don't ever want to experience...like some type of flesh-eating disease. Oh, okay...maybe that's not a great example...but, you know what I mean. Some years ago, something tragic happened to me. SOME people may not see it as tragic, but in the course of my life...it was traumatic. Some people judge you for how you express your feelings about a turn in your life...but, you know what? Fuck them. Feel free to express your soul. Anyways, let me explain to you all exactly the course of events that took place on August 10, 2013. 

Whenever someone doesn't get their way, or feels violated on their status somewhere...shit goes crazy. In this case, I stood up for myself after the constant words being thrown at me: "slut", "prostitute", "whore" --- and any other derogatory words and phrases you can think of. When someone sees you as a certain word or phrase, there's nothing else you can do to change their mind. It sticks to them as if some invisible crazy glue bonded their crazy image of you from what is clearly in front of them --- the opposite of what they see or made themselves believe. This is when that phrase about how you should stay true to yourself comes to light. Never let anyone tell you who to be or define who you are. Only YOU can. If you even let them in, just a little bit, you're done. You can't get yourself back. You start to believe them as well...and that is something I swore to myself that I will never do. I will stay strong and stay true to myself and my beliefs. 

The end of it all...I stood up for myself. For the first time. And once I stood up for myself, they didn't like it and decided to make themselves weak by choking me. And there I was, up against the wall, with these hands and evil eyes staring at me, as I tried to push and gasp for air. Finally, the tension around my throat released. For a moment, I thought I was dead. But, there I was...shocked at what happened in those few seconds - which felt like hours. Tears gushed from my eyes as anger and hate and fear sunk in. From that moment on, my trust was betrayed. I would never gain back my respect for that person and I would never see them in a good light. They were forever tainted in my eyes --- evil and weak. Now, as the story goes...I went through some more hardships -- being homeless with my then 2 year old son for 3 days and 3 nights -- me, sleeping in a grotto outside on the floor, as I tried to comfort my son as much as I could, although he had no idea what was happening around him. When my family was finally able to save me from my hell in limbo, I then had to deal with child services because I contacted authorities for help about what happened. I didn't have a job, no money...and lost all belief in myself after that tragic event. However, after all that...I told myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I needed to find myself again and be there for my son. He was my saving grace. Seeing my 2 year old, smile at me and feel his touch, made my heart grew and helped me see myself again. I knew that whatever decisions I had to make from then on, weren't just for me now...it was all for him. My son. The one who would unconditionally love me from all this horrible events in my life. 

From that traumatic experience, I had to deal with anxiety every night and waking up from my sleep, sweating and gasping for air...and picturing those hands shoot at me as if a bullet was blasted in point blank -- over and over again. And I can admit now, that I've had moments then -- through all the recovery -- where I wasn't myself. And I had to fight through it all to find myself again. From all that...from all the evil, I managed to find the effort to balance 3 different jobs, put my kid to daycare when I was working...and I was finally able to breathe for the first time since the incident. Looking back all those years from now...and all the progress I've made since then...all I can do is look forward to the future -- because all I see is light from here on. 

Now, as for the changes in my life currently...it all pans back to what I first mentioned earlier --- history tends to repeat itself. 

Now, mind you...things have been great since that incident. I found my true love and I was living a life where I was happy with myself. Don't get me wrong...I had moments when I lost myself along the way and had to deal with minor hardships in life...and also losing a family member who was the one woman I looked up to --- my grandmother -- but, I still managed to take care of it all. One year later and a couple days after I was choked...my dear grandmother passed away from a long struggle from cancer. She was fighting for her life all these years and I admire her from everything she has done for me and my cousins all these years growing up. She was my mom -- since my own mother was across seas for many years throughout my childhood to my young adult-hood. Now, I am going to take this time to explain to you why I admire my grandmother so much. 

My grandmother, "Mama"...all my childhood, was the queen. The boss. The one in charge of everything. Even when life threw her curve balls, she found ways to stay true to herself and strong and handle everything with such grace. I grew up wanting to be her. Although she struggled through heartache from my grandfather (who also passed away just recently this July 2015 - one year after Mama passed away), and fought for her life from cancer...she managed to stay strong. I would see her try and clean and cook, although you could clearly see she could barely hold herself up. I miss my mama so much. Everyday, something would remind me of her...and what she would say to me at certain events in my life when I needed guidance. From time to time, I feel her presence with me and hear her saying to me, "Everything will be alright, Em...Trust me".

Anyways, no other woman can compare to my mama. And I will stay true to those words and hold them dearly. Now, back to what I was mentioning about history tending to repeat itself. A couple weeks ago, another similar incident happened to me once more. Let my try and explain what happened. So, I stood up for myself once again, because this said person wasn't respecting me. The sequence of events lasted a month prior to the incident. Let's just say it was watching a middle aged woman throw a fit and tantrum over something that didn't need to be stressed over. And along the way, stress levels and anger levels rose up and something in staring at those red, demonic eyes, while grabbing at my hands...stated that this relationship was done and over. Although it was quite similar to my previous encounter of a weak person, it differed in some way. The similarities were extraordinary, as well as the timing. But, overall in the end...past the heartache and stress this person put me under, I once again found my peace. 

A great disaster in your life always leads you to the path of what is right. A negative person who disguised themselves as light, will always reveal their true colors. In this case, I am quite grateful this event happened in my life. Once again, it led me to wanting MORE success in my life and brought me more compassion and love for my loved ones. Success is always the greatest revenge (as one may say). And now, I'm at a place in my life, with wonderful people who emit so much light in this dark world...and continuing on to the future I've always wanted; my own place to which I call home and feel like I belong and with my son and loved ones. I can say that I wish I didn't have to go through these horrible events, but if I didn't...I don't think I'd be who I am today. I'm a lot more stronger and wiser and more independent than I was before all this happened. And I must say, if I ever had the chance to go back in time and reverse all these negative events...I wouldn't. 

That is all. 

Change can be good. As long as you know how to deal with it and where to go from there. And as long as you have a mind set that bad things will always happen to good people, but karma is going to kick some ass to those who mean harm, you will be alright. And I believe in karma. And I'm sure all those negative people believe in it too, because they're living in that bad karma all their lives. And there's nothing wrong with forgiveness. You can forgive, but you shouldn't forget. And in this case, I forgive those people...but, I will NEVER forget. And I will never respect them. EVER. Sounds like such a great deal of a grudge...but that's what happens when you lose my respect.