Tuesday, June 19, 2018

#4 - Almost A Year

Wow. It's been exactly almost a whole year since my last post. And that post was about me moving up in the company I work for. Well...I did it. I moved up. 


Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss. 

I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all. 

Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.

A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot. 

Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain". 
"Come sit with me
And listen to this brokenhearted melody
As time stands still
I begin to feel
The ending of what I hoped to be
Something real"

I don't know. Once again...there goes those 3 words. Let me just end this here for now. I will see you guys on the next post.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

#3 - Thoughts About My Career

Growing up, I had no idea what type of career I wanted to have. Well....I DID want to be a Disney Channel kid and do movies and perform music and whatnot...but, that dream was so highly unlikely for me back then. Not that it was impossible, but it was just not in my path. Anyways, I never expected my life to turn out the way it has turned out now. I mean, all I cared about was school, making friends and trying to keep them and crushes. I mean, that's all we really worried about when we were younger, right? We had no responsibilities or obligations to anything. I mean, the most we had to worry about was trying to be home on time without having your parents/guardians grounding you for getting home late. Man...how I wish I could go back to the days when that was ALL we really cared about.

But, we had to grow up eventually. So, here I stand...working at the moment. Well, technically, I guess I'm not really working if I'm typing out this blog...but, my job is fairly easy in the morning and it's not putting any hindrance on my work ethics. I STILL do my job...and it's actually pretty fun basically waking up to darkness and knowing people are asleep at the hour I get to work. That sounded a little too dark, but it's true. I used to work late evenings as a waitress/bartender...and that scene got tired pretty quickly. I mean, mind you...I DID enjoy coming home with a wad of cash every night I worked and making these awesome drinks and being a part-time "therapist" during my bar tending days. But, this whole waking up super early while it's still dark, and getting out at midday, is pretty freakin' awesome! 

Anyways, about my career...let's get on with that topic.

I recently restarted my YouTube channel and claiming my presence on the social media world. It has been quite a positive turnout, by the way. I mean...in the past 2 months and a half, I gained 127 subscribers on my YouTube channel and it's continuing to grow at a great pace. I am so excited for where I'm going to be at on the social media network come next year. So many great things to look forward to! 

Although it would be GREAT to have YouTube as a full time career...there are certain things I have my eyes on. First off, like I mentioned...my husband and I eventually want to open up our own food business outside of NY. But, right now...I am aiming to move on up with the company I'm currently working with. I've stated this with someone in a higher position and they seemed content with my wanting to move on up. I mean, I work hard. And I want to have a stable job where I can make good money to provide for my family, and be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard living out here, raising two young children, and barely making rent in a very expensive state. My goal is to work harder and to learn more things about the company and learn different tactics and move up. Eventually, I will get there. Although it may take some time...I feel that it is high possible for me to move on up with a company and FINALLY stay with one career instead of bouncing around from one industry to another like a tennis ball. Hopefully, I'll get there soon and finally get everything I've ever wanted in my life before I turn 30. Soon...

Monday, July 24, 2017

#2 - Thinking About the (Near) Future

You ever wake up in a good mood and think about your future and how it can be amazing? Yup. That's me right now. My husband (Hiromi) and I have always planned on leaving NY and starting our own business somewhere. Just the thought of starting new somewhere else, it brings a chill down my spine. New York will always be a special place to me and my husband, because this is where we basically grew up at and where we met each other. Mind you, there have been many ups and downs throughout the years of growing up here --- dealing with moving around a lot and having financial difficulties. NY has always been a place considered to be the most amazing and culturally diverse -- where people come from so many different countries in hopes of having a better future. Well, at least for my family...that was our goal. Unfortunately, that didn't go so well as planned as we had struggled to live here rather than back home. But, anyways...ignore my babbling. This whole post is about the future...and not the past.

So, I started looking into jobs in a different state and looking at houses. It got me in a really good mood thinking about all the good that can come to leaving NY -- like a weight being lifted off your shoulders and starting new. I can't wait to finally have a house of my own -- with a backyard and garage -- and a great job and have our kids be in a great school growing up. All these thoughts in my head definitely seem a lot more clearer than it did a couple months ago. Maybe it's because my husband and I have managed to have a work schedule that didn't need a babysitter for our youngest and we manage to still spend some time together. I mean, it's tough. It's tough to have two full time working parents with two kids who are 5 years apart. But, even through all the downs we've had...the future is what we aim for and the goal of finally just up and leaving this place and starting new and providing everything we can for our kids that WE never had a chance to have...it definitely helps out a lot.

The thing I'm trying to say is...

I think it IS possible. No.


As long as we keep believing in a better future for our kids, I believe that it will all finally come true. The house with the white picket, a backyard, that nice family car, a great job and a great neighborhood. I think we deserve that. I think everybody deserves that bit of happiness. But, in my head...and in my heart, at this moment...my whole being is enlightened at the fact that our dreams will finally come true. And it may seem that it might take maybe another year or so...but, just the thought of our future being better than our parents'...that alone, is enough. And it all may seem cheesy to people about my thoughts about our future, but this is it. This is the happiness me and my husband and kids need. And I love my family. Growing up the way I did, I can never take them for granted. It's hard when you feel like time is against you...but, I know in the end, everything will fall into place...

Just the way it was meant to be.


Happiness radiates like the fragrance from a flower and draws all good things towards you. 
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Thursday, June 8, 2017

#1 (Again) - Restarting My Blog

Hello beautiful people! Let me introduce myself to you guys (to those who don’t know me yet). My name is Mary Desiree and I am a beauty vlogger, YouTuber, photographer and musician. I am also a mom to two wonderful kids (Noah and Skye) and I am married to my wonderful husband, Hiro, who you guys will meet here and there on my blog.
I used to write blogs (daily) about the things that happen in my life and all my thoughts throughout the day, but I had suddenly stopped, due to reasons I can’t even remember. But, today….I thought I ought to start one up again as I am building my social media presence and would love to share with you guys a more in depth look into my life.
Recently, I have also returned back to my YouTube life (but this time, more focused on beauty /fashion/mom life) rather than just music. I mean, I had always wanted to leave my mark on YouTube as a brand or content creator back in my middle school days, but never really had the chance to. Let alone…never had the chance to have the right equipment and knowledge with running a social media vlog. But, I am now back in the game and trying to make a mark in all social media. 
I also missed blogging. I love writing and as a singer-songwriter….it was basically the only way for me to pour out my thoughts and share it with the world. Even as I type away as of this moment, I feel a sense of relief. I can’t really explain it but, I haven’t blogged in such a long time that I feel like I have a lot to say. But, anyways…we can get on with that with upcoming posts rather than all in this one introductory post. 
Once again guys, I am happy to be back in the blogging community. I hope you guys enjoy reading my blog and I hope you check out all my other social medias to see into my life more, as well! Love you all!

Until next time,
Mary Desiree <3