Tuesday, July 25, 2017

#3 - Thoughts About My Career

Growing up, I had no idea what type of career I wanted to have. Well....I DID want to be a Disney Channel kid and do movies and perform music and whatnot...but, that dream was so highly unlikely for me back then. Not that it was impossible, but it was just not in my path. Anyways, I never expected my life to turn out the way it has turned out now. I mean, all I cared about was school, making friends and trying to keep them and crushes. I mean, that's all we really worried about when we were younger, right? We had no responsibilities or obligations to anything. I mean, the most we had to worry about was trying to be home on time without having your parents/guardians grounding you for getting home late. Man...how I wish I could go back to the days when that was ALL we really cared about.

But, we had to grow up eventually. So, here I stand...working at the moment. Well, technically, I guess I'm not really working if I'm typing out this blog...but, my job is fairly easy in the morning and it's not putting any hindrance on my work ethics. I STILL do my job...and it's actually pretty fun basically waking up to darkness and knowing people are asleep at the hour I get to work. That sounded a little too dark, but it's true. I used to work late evenings as a waitress/bartender...and that scene got tired pretty quickly. I mean, mind you...I DID enjoy coming home with a wad of cash every night I worked and making these awesome drinks and being a part-time "therapist" during my bar tending days. But, this whole waking up super early while it's still dark, and getting out at midday, is pretty freakin' awesome! 

Anyways, about my career...let's get on with that topic.

I recently restarted my YouTube channel and claiming my presence on the social media world. It has been quite a positive turnout, by the way. I mean...in the past 2 months and a half, I gained 127 subscribers on my YouTube channel and it's continuing to grow at a great pace. I am so excited for where I'm going to be at on the social media network come next year. So many great things to look forward to! 

Although it would be GREAT to have YouTube as a full time career...there are certain things I have my eyes on. First off, like I mentioned...my husband and I eventually want to open up our own food business outside of NY. But, right now...I am aiming to move on up with the company I'm currently working with. I've stated this with someone in a higher position and they seemed content with my wanting to move on up. I mean, I work hard. And I want to have a stable job where I can make good money to provide for my family, and be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard living out here, raising two young children, and barely making rent in a very expensive state. My goal is to work harder and to learn more things about the company and learn different tactics and move up. Eventually, I will get there. Although it may take some time...I feel that it is high possible for me to move on up with a company and FINALLY stay with one career instead of bouncing around from one industry to another like a tennis ball. Hopefully, I'll get there soon and finally get everything I've ever wanted in my life before I turn 30. Soon...

Monday, July 24, 2017

#2 - Thinking About the (Near) Future

You ever wake up in a good mood and think about your future and how it can be amazing? Yup. That's me right now. My husband (Hiromi) and I have always planned on leaving NY and starting our own business somewhere. Just the thought of starting new somewhere else, it brings a chill down my spine. New York will always be a special place to me and my husband, because this is where we basically grew up at and where we met each other. Mind you, there have been many ups and downs throughout the years of growing up here --- dealing with moving around a lot and having financial difficulties. NY has always been a place considered to be the most amazing and culturally diverse -- where people come from so many different countries in hopes of having a better future. Well, at least for my family...that was our goal. Unfortunately, that didn't go so well as planned as we had struggled to live here rather than back home. But, anyways...ignore my babbling. This whole post is about the future...and not the past.

So, I started looking into jobs in a different state and looking at houses. It got me in a really good mood thinking about all the good that can come to leaving NY -- like a weight being lifted off your shoulders and starting new. I can't wait to finally have a house of my own -- with a backyard and garage -- and a great job and have our kids be in a great school growing up. All these thoughts in my head definitely seem a lot more clearer than it did a couple months ago. Maybe it's because my husband and I have managed to have a work schedule that didn't need a babysitter for our youngest and we manage to still spend some time together. I mean, it's tough. It's tough to have two full time working parents with two kids who are 5 years apart. But, even through all the downs we've had...the future is what we aim for and the goal of finally just up and leaving this place and starting new and providing everything we can for our kids that WE never had a chance to have...it definitely helps out a lot.

The thing I'm trying to say is...

I think it IS possible. No.

IT DEFINITELY IS POSSIBLE.

As long as we keep believing in a better future for our kids, I believe that it will all finally come true. The house with the white picket, a backyard, that nice family car, a great job and a great neighborhood. I think we deserve that. I think everybody deserves that bit of happiness. But, in my head...and in my heart, at this moment...my whole being is enlightened at the fact that our dreams will finally come true. And it may seem that it might take maybe another year or so...but, just the thought of our future being better than our parents'...that alone, is enough. And it all may seem cheesy to people about my thoughts about our future, but this is it. This is the happiness me and my husband and kids need. And I love my family. Growing up the way I did, I can never take them for granted. It's hard when you feel like time is against you...but, I know in the end, everything will fall into place...

Just the way it was meant to be.

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Happiness radiates like the fragrance from a flower and draws all good things towards you. 
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Thursday, June 8, 2017

#1 (Again) - Restarting My Blog

Hello beautiful people! Let me introduce myself to you guys (to those who don’t know me yet). My name is Mary Desiree and I am a beauty vlogger, YouTuber, photographer and musician. I am also a mom to two wonderful kids (Noah and Skye) and I am married to my wonderful husband, Hiro, who you guys will meet here and there on my blog.
I used to write blogs (daily) about the things that happen in my life and all my thoughts throughout the day, but I had suddenly stopped, due to reasons I can’t even remember. But, today….I thought I ought to start one up again as I am building my social media presence and would love to share with you guys a more in depth look into my life.
Recently, I have also returned back to my YouTube life (but this time, more focused on beauty /fashion/mom life) rather than just music. I mean, I had always wanted to leave my mark on YouTube as a brand or content creator back in my middle school days, but never really had the chance to. Let alone…never had the chance to have the right equipment and knowledge with running a social media vlog. But, I am now back in the game and trying to make a mark in all social media. 
I also missed blogging. I love writing and as a singer-songwriter….it was basically the only way for me to pour out my thoughts and share it with the world. Even as I type away as of this moment, I feel a sense of relief. I can’t really explain it but, I haven’t blogged in such a long time that I feel like I have a lot to say. But, anyways…we can get on with that with upcoming posts rather than all in this one introductory post. 
Once again guys, I am happy to be back in the blogging community. I hope you guys enjoy reading my blog and I hope you check out all my other social medias to see into my life more, as well! Love you all!

Until next time,
Mary Desiree <3

Friday, August 7, 2015

#29 - Changes

Changes happen every so often in a person's life...whether or not they want it. In this case, I needed it. You know, I always said that history tends to repeat itself. I mean, look at all these fashion trends coming back from the grave as if it has all been zombified in some way. Eh, pay no attention to my babbling. This is what happens inside my head most of the time. And mind you...I have not done much writing in a while and it has finally come to light that my mind has not been at rest (or at the stage of trying to relax), until now. Anyways, back to what I was talking about. 

Change. Change is good. Although it may disguise itself as something horrific that you don't ever want to experience...like some type of flesh-eating disease. Oh, okay...maybe that's not a great example...but, you know what I mean. Some years ago, something tragic happened to me. SOME people may not see it as tragic, but in the course of my life...it was traumatic. Some people judge you for how you express your feelings about a turn in your life...but, you know what? Fuck them. Feel free to express your soul. Anyways, let me explain to you all exactly the course of events that took place on August 10, 2013. 

Whenever someone doesn't get their way, or feels violated on their status somewhere...shit goes crazy. In this case, I stood up for myself after the constant words being thrown at me: "slut", "prostitute", "whore" --- and any other derogatory words and phrases you can think of. When someone sees you as a certain word or phrase, there's nothing else you can do to change their mind. It sticks to them as if some invisible crazy glue bonded their crazy image of you from what is clearly in front of them --- the opposite of what they see or made themselves believe. This is when that phrase about how you should stay true to yourself comes to light. Never let anyone tell you who to be or define who you are. Only YOU can. If you even let them in, just a little bit, you're done. You can't get yourself back. You start to believe them as well...and that is something I swore to myself that I will never do. I will stay strong and stay true to myself and my beliefs. 

The end of it all...I stood up for myself. For the first time. And once I stood up for myself, they didn't like it and decided to make themselves weak by choking me. And there I was, up against the wall, with these hands and evil eyes staring at me, as I tried to push and gasp for air. Finally, the tension around my throat released. For a moment, I thought I was dead. But, there I was...shocked at what happened in those few seconds - which felt like hours. Tears gushed from my eyes as anger and hate and fear sunk in. From that moment on, my trust was betrayed. I would never gain back my respect for that person and I would never see them in a good light. They were forever tainted in my eyes --- evil and weak. Now, as the story goes...I went through some more hardships -- being homeless with my then 2 year old son for 3 days and 3 nights -- me, sleeping in a grotto outside on the floor, as I tried to comfort my son as much as I could, although he had no idea what was happening around him. When my family was finally able to save me from my hell in limbo, I then had to deal with child services because I contacted authorities for help about what happened. I didn't have a job, no money...and lost all belief in myself after that tragic event. However, after all that...I told myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I needed to find myself again and be there for my son. He was my saving grace. Seeing my 2 year old, smile at me and feel his touch, made my heart grew and helped me see myself again. I knew that whatever decisions I had to make from then on, weren't just for me now...it was all for him. My son. The one who would unconditionally love me from all this horrible events in my life. 

From that traumatic experience, I had to deal with anxiety every night and waking up from my sleep, sweating and gasping for air...and picturing those hands shoot at me as if a bullet was blasted in point blank -- over and over again. And I can admit now, that I've had moments then -- through all the recovery -- where I wasn't myself. And I had to fight through it all to find myself again. From all that...from all the evil, I managed to find the effort to balance 3 different jobs, put my kid to daycare when I was working...and I was finally able to breathe for the first time since the incident. Looking back all those years from now...and all the progress I've made since then...all I can do is look forward to the future -- because all I see is light from here on. 

Now, as for the changes in my life currently...it all pans back to what I first mentioned earlier --- history tends to repeat itself. 

Now, mind you...things have been great since that incident. I found my true love and I was living a life where I was happy with myself. Don't get me wrong...I had moments when I lost myself along the way and had to deal with minor hardships in life...and also losing a family member who was the one woman I looked up to --- my grandmother -- but, I still managed to take care of it all. One year later and a couple days after I was choked...my dear grandmother passed away from a long struggle from cancer. She was fighting for her life all these years and I admire her from everything she has done for me and my cousins all these years growing up. She was my mom -- since my own mother was across seas for many years throughout my childhood to my young adult-hood. Now, I am going to take this time to explain to you why I admire my grandmother so much. 

My grandmother, "Mama"...all my childhood, was the queen. The boss. The one in charge of everything. Even when life threw her curve balls, she found ways to stay true to herself and strong and handle everything with such grace. I grew up wanting to be her. Although she struggled through heartache from my grandfather (who also passed away just recently this July 2015 - one year after Mama passed away), and fought for her life from cancer...she managed to stay strong. I would see her try and clean and cook, although you could clearly see she could barely hold herself up. I miss my mama so much. Everyday, something would remind me of her...and what she would say to me at certain events in my life when I needed guidance. From time to time, I feel her presence with me and hear her saying to me, "Everything will be alright, Em...Trust me".

Anyways, no other woman can compare to my mama. And I will stay true to those words and hold them dearly. Now, back to what I was mentioning about history tending to repeat itself. A couple weeks ago, another similar incident happened to me once more. Let my try and explain what happened. So, I stood up for myself once again, because this said person wasn't respecting me. The sequence of events lasted a month prior to the incident. Let's just say it was watching a middle aged woman throw a fit and tantrum over something that didn't need to be stressed over. And along the way, stress levels and anger levels rose up and something in staring at those red, demonic eyes, while grabbing at my hands...stated that this relationship was done and over. Although it was quite similar to my previous encounter of a weak person, it differed in some way. The similarities were extraordinary, as well as the timing. But, overall in the end...past the heartache and stress this person put me under, I once again found my peace. 

A great disaster in your life always leads you to the path of what is right. A negative person who disguised themselves as light, will always reveal their true colors. In this case, I am quite grateful this event happened in my life. Once again, it led me to wanting MORE success in my life and brought me more compassion and love for my loved ones. Success is always the greatest revenge (as one may say). And now, I'm at a place in my life, with wonderful people who emit so much light in this dark world...and continuing on to the future I've always wanted; my own place to which I call home and feel like I belong and with my son and loved ones. I can say that I wish I didn't have to go through these horrible events, but if I didn't...I don't think I'd be who I am today. I'm a lot more stronger and wiser and more independent than I was before all this happened. And I must say, if I ever had the chance to go back in time and reverse all these negative events...I wouldn't. 

That is all. 

Change can be good. As long as you know how to deal with it and where to go from there. And as long as you have a mind set that bad things will always happen to good people, but karma is going to kick some ass to those who mean harm, you will be alright. And I believe in karma. And I'm sure all those negative people believe in it too, because they're living in that bad karma all their lives. And there's nothing wrong with forgiveness. You can forgive, but you shouldn't forget. And in this case, I forgive those people...but, I will NEVER forget. And I will never respect them. EVER. Sounds like such a great deal of a grudge...but that's what happens when you lose my respect.