Sunday, May 4, 2014

#27 - Disappearing Act

To everyone who has been checking out my blog for the past year...I'm back. Once again, I apologize for my inconsistent blogging. It's just that I have been pretty busy with my life and a lot has happened since my last post (which was on JULY 2013). It's been almost a year since my last post and I can say that it really sucks. Sorry for my little disappearing act.

Anyways, writing this new post -- the first of my 2014 posts -- made me realize that, when looking back on all my old posts, I can see them turning into some novel. Now, THAT would be pretty cool. Sometimes, I wonder how I can write such things, where the peak of my "literature intelligence", happens to occur in the wee hours of the morning -- such as at 3 am. Is it kind of weird how you get this sudden inspiration to just speak out your mind through writing and make you feel like you're not limited to anything? No judgements or whatsoever. Well, whenever I find myself writing some type of post at around 3 am, it's like my fingers have a life of its own and I have no control over what my mind is sending to my fingers to do -- write. I kinda see myself, in a few years from now, possibly writing some type of kids book or maybe even a little public diary that I would randomly just place at a library shelf and put down as an anonymous author. But then, what's the fun in being anonymous. I feel like I want to write an autobiography of my life and just placing it out there for all the world to see -- real names and all. No holding back. To be honest, at that point, I could care less what the people in my autobiography would say when I would expose every detail of my life -- good or bad -- to the public. Sometimes, I feel people should be more honest when it comes to writing. We all hold back for some reasons. Sometimes, my mind just goes on a neverending trance (so to speak), and I MUST write it all down. But that's a little difficult. 

Okay. In other words, I just wanted to say I was back. Once again, I said a lot of things has happened since my last post. In due time, I will be writing about them. But, for now...I must bid you all adieu and have a great night or good morning (pertaining to whichever part of the globe you are). 

Much love,


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

#26 - People Always Leave...

"I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you." - WICKED

Today, I felt compelled to write a certain song. A song about people leaving. Friends come and go, they say. But, what they don't say is how much it hurts when they do. And what really breaks my heart, is remembering all the memories and all the laughter you've shared, and knowing that you can't get it back. It really does hurt. So, I wrote a new song based on that. "People always leave"....this was what Peyton Sawyer (from ONE TREE HILL) always lived by. Do you think it's best to close yourself from the world and other people just so that you won't feel the pain of the aftermath? Sometimes, I feel that way.

And during these late hours, my mind tends to wander off into the past. I'm not happy about it, but's nice to look back into the good memories. However, along with the good, comes the bad. I miss certain people in my life. I miss certain memories. I just wish I can have it all back. But, people always come and go. I must get used to that by now. Through all the stressful moments in my life, I've lost a handful of friends. It hurts to know that once the going gets difficult, people just leave. What ever happened to being there no matter what? What ever happened to true friends who will catch you when you fall and to encourage you? What happened to those endless conversations and staying up all night, laughing at all the stupid things you've done? What ever happened to them? What happened to you? Ugh. Just thinking of this upsets me. What I can't stand, as well, is the fact that some people PRETEND to be friends with you and not really give a crap about your being. Another thing, is when you try to reach out to someone, and unless you're in a situation where you can't be avoided...that's the only moment they will say "hi". Please, save your time. I just wish people were just more honest with each other, rather than saying things like, "The past is in the past. Move on, because I have," or "I really care about you..." - when in reality, they're lying. Well, enough of whatever it is I'm rambling on about.

The new song I wrote is entitled, "JUST LEAVE". This song is dedicated to about 3 people in my life, that I wish were still a huge part of it. Sad to say, I can't turn back time. And so can't they. I just wish they can see that they can't erase all the good feelings that came along with the person. I just wish they can hear me out. Oh well...I've recorded the piano track, along with the bass track to "Just Leave" and will be recording the vocals later on in the day. I'll make sure to post it when it's done. And for now, I will be listening to the WICKED soundtrack. Goodnight/good morning, everyone.

Much love,


Monday, July 22, 2013

#25 - Feeling Terrified...

From the beginning of time, people have told each other to be never give up. But man, it isn't easy to be strong all the time. People always said to me that I am a strong woman and that they wish they can be the same. But well, truth be told, I am afraid. Do you ever get that feeling that you're afraid to make that step forward? That you're terrified on what your decision in life will lead to? What road and what future? Well...I am. I am so terrified what is beyond the next chapter of my life. There are so many things happening in my life right now, that I can't help but worry and not get a chance to turn off my brain and tell it to STOP THINKING TOO MUCH. 

There was another point in my life where I was also very much afraid and lost and just all over the place. It was the moment when I found out that I was pregnant. I was 19 then and I was having fun and drinking and smoking...etc. I was "living the life", so to speak. But then, when I found the news, everything seemed to slow down into a halt. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. But, luckily...I had someone there to help me cope with it. It was a very hard decision in my life. And when my family found out...most of them were very frustrated on how "irresponsible" I was and I was getting kicked out. And some of them, were surprisingly supportive of the idea of me having a baby. That was a very comforting feeling and I wanted to just stay in that state. But, now...I had to choose between a life of someone who was going to be a mother to a baby or to live with the fact that I "could've" been a mother. It was very hard, considering I was still young and wanted a lot more to do with my life. But, there was a moment in time, when I realized that I COULDN'T give up a life that I will eventually have in the future. I didn't want any regrets. I didn't want to live a life not knowing. So, I decided to have my baby. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. He is now 2 years old and even though times have been hard (and will get even more difficult in time), I am happy and proud to be a mother. Yes, there are times I wonder how my life would've been if I hadn't had my son. But, that is all in the past and I must keep looking forward in order to go on. And to be honest, my future is my son. 

Now, I am back to that point in my life where I am lost and scared. I really just need to be strong and rip it off quick, like a bandage. But, I am terrified that I may not be as strong as I hope to be. There are a lot of things going on in my life, like I said. And I definitely need guidance and to find myself again. As of now, thoughts are swimming around in my head and my mind won't shut off. I just want to be at peace. But it seems like there's a lot of war going on in my life that won't allow me to have it. But, one day, I hope to be at that state where I am just purely happy, with no worries in the world. One day.

Much love,


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

#24 - Updates on the Life of a Rockstar Mama

Oh my goodness. It has been about FOUR months since I've last written a blog. This is embarrassing. Man, I missed writing blogs every other day. It really helped get me to let out some feelings and whatnot that I could not really speak aloud. Well, let me update you guys on a few things. As some of you know, I have started a band called, THE MIDNIGHT SESSIONS. We are a female-fronted 6 piece band with a horns section. Well, in the past few months, my band and I have grown quite close and you can say we are like a family (which is what you need to do in a band to become successful, anyways). However, we have come to lose one of our members due to scheduling conflicts and other personal reasons. So, we are trumpet-less (that's probably not even a real word but, oh well) right now and we are still looking for another member to join the band. We have been playing a lot since my last post, and we have drawn quite a few fans. It's nice to hear that people like us and our music, as much as we do. I take a lot of pride on TMS. I believe that we can get far in the music business and other careers. I am surrounded by amazing and talented guys and I only wish that we keep moving forward, no matter what happens.

Now, aside from the music scene, my life has been chaotic thus far. I have been extremely stressed out. A lot has to deal with stuff at home (that I'd rather not discuss openly). And well, let's just say...things are going to be very different from now. First off, I am now going to lead a sober life. There was this one night that changed everything for me and some people. Let's just say that it's certainly an eye-opener for us. A LOT of bad things followed that event. But a musician, you're surrounded by alcohol and other substances ALL the time. And yes, sometimes...we just drink because our other friends are drinking and having "fun" and we want to join in and also, people somehow expect the image of a "rockstar" as someone who drinks and does drugs. I have to admit, I smoke and tend to drink to the max during shows. It helped me loosen up my nervousness (and yes, I do get nervous every single time) before I go on stage and afterwards and also, my friends and I are at a bar. So, what do you expect? We are constantly surrounded by alcohol and other substances, whether we like it or not. Well...I've decided to quit drinking and smoking because to be honest, it REALLY does blur your judgement and you can't think straight. You end up doing things you never really wanted to do in the first place. Well, all I'm saying from now on, no more drinking or smoking. It's nice to have people who support me with this decision.

Alright, son is now 2 years old! Well, he became 2 on May 23rd. He's growing up so fast! He sings the ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and also sings the "E-I-E-I-O" part in Old McDonald. He is just my pride and joy. But, mind's not all fun and games right now. He's at that age where he throws RAGING tantrums where he throws his body to the floor and cries and cries. Haha. All parents can relate to that. Terrible Two's, they say. Man...he's a lot to handle but I love him with all my heart. I can't wait to see what type of man he grows up to be. Hopefully, he follows the footsteps of his mommy into the world of music. But yeah. There are a lot of things to say, but unfortunately, I can't really say much here. 

OH! Btw, I got a madonna piercing and I've dyed my hair back to black with the front being blonde. Yeah, I'm very fickle when it comes to that. Like I mentioned on a previous post, I love change. I get bored easily (which may be a bad trait) and I love excitement in my life. I am looking forward for what's in my future. But as for now, I'm going to make a few changes in my lifestyle and hope it'll be the best for me and my son. And well, I'm going to stop right here and hopefully will have something to write about in my next blog. I'm sure there will be, considering I can never sleep and my mind runs like clockwork. I'll talk to you guys soon (and hopefully not for another 4 months) and either vent or blab about something I'm excited about. Once again, I apologize for not writing for a couple months. Hopefully, that'll all change real soon! 

Much love,