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Weird. I can't seem to think about what else to write after that. But, I guess I'll just keep writing what I'm currently thinking. Oh. I started seeing a therapist recently. And I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have been dealing with depression for quite some time now and I've realized it's taken a big toll on my life. Everything is cluttered. From my makeup desk, to the house, to my work. I can't really explain why. But, I just am. All those times I've been feeling that dementor nearby, and it's finally given me it's last kiss.
I don't know. Maybe it's all just in my head and I've created this little creature that eats up all the goodness in my heart. Or maybe it is all far too real. Maybe it was just now that I've realized that I've been putting up this mask - this smile - to make others feel happy or content. When in all reality, I'M not happy. This is all becoming a little too sad. So, let me just express some happy feelings...or moments of happiness to you all.
Damn. I can't believe my son is now 7 years old and my little baby girl is 16 months old already. I'm just writing as I think and my thoughts are always jumbled up together and I talk about one thing and divert to another real quick. So, I apologize to those who are reading and won't be able to understand my thoughts. My therapist told me to start writing again, and I thought...why not? It's been too long since I've had the chance to really just let my mind flow out of my fingertips and on to something intangible where I can keep my thoughts safe. Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe I need to let all the thoughts out of my head, so that I can finally organize this clutter - this troublesome thoughts in my head. I guess there isn't really much of a happy writing on this post. Maybe on the next one there will be. But for now, let me just keep it going and write what's on my mind before I go crazy.
A lot has happened within the year. A lot of good, and tons of bad. I have been dealing with stress for a while and can't sleep. Hopefully, this assignment that my therapist had entitled me to do, will help. He also told me to write down a list of things that I used to love doing, but don't anymore. And he also told me to keep a dream diary. At times, I have really vivid dreams in which I can remember every small detail to the dot. I used to draw out a map of my dreams. And I remember always visiting a place that scared the living crap out of me. It's weird. And it felt so real. Recently, I dreamt about a dog. A lost dog. And a man was pointing a key on its collar and picked it up and put it on his convertible and drove off. My therapist said that in dreams, if there is an animal, you should follow it. However, I didn't. I don't know. And I keep saying I don't know, mainly because I don't know where my thoughts are heading or whatnot.
Anyways, recently...I've found people who have been very good to me and have given me positive vibes. But, I always do this to myself when it comes to moments such as that. I start to doubt it. I start to doubt people's good intentions. And I start to cloud my mind with negativity that I end up messing it up. I don't want to do that. And I don't want to start thinking of things I shouldn't. Of things that are not real. I guess this goes back to that song I wrote years ago called "Porcelain".
"Come sit with me
And listen to this brokenhearted melody
As time stands still
I begin to feel
The ending of what I hoped to be
Something real"
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